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The 44 Best Bad Gardening Jokes


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Looking for a good chuckle while you are out in the garden? Prepare to laugh and groan your way through our collection of the 44 best bad gardening jokes. Don't worry, they are not rude but we are not promising they are funny either. You have been warned!

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow
It was sage advice.

Did you hear about the gardener who went crazy?
He was hearing voices in his shed

I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone
Then it dawned on me.

So my neighbour sees me kneeling down, busy in my garden and asks what I'm doing
"I'm putting alll my plants in alphabetical order"
"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"
"It's right next to the sage"

I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably
I guess there is mushroom for improvement

My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes nude in her garden...
Personally, Iím on the fence

I have a bird feeder in the garden
It also works as a cat feeder

How did the millionaire gardener get rich so quick?
He was running a huge pansy scheme

Why is Incredible Hulk such a good gardener?
Heís got green fingers.

I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from gardens
I was raking it in

A friend perfected his garden flower beds through a process of trowel and error

Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment
The plot thickensÖ

What is the gardener's favourite novel?
War and Peas

A friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water
I think he meant well

Why did the gardener quit?
His celery wasnít high enough

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.

What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Global Worming

I used to have a job making furniture out of plants
I'll tell you, it was no bed of roses.

Why shouldnít you tell a secret in a garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!

Iím making a belt decorated with herbs from my garden
My friends tell me itís a waist of thyme

I used to be terrified of gardening
Then I grew a pear

It turns out my front lawn is chicken proof
It's impeccable

What is brown and runs round the garden?
A fence

What do you call a homeless snail? A slug

What to trees drink?
Root Beer

What do you call two rows of vegetables?
A duel cabbage way

What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Whatís up, bud?!

What do you call a cheerleading herb?
An encourage mint!

Why couldnít the gardener plant any flowers?
He hadnít botany!

What do you call a nervous tree?
A sweaty palm!

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?
Infant tree

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants
But you've probably heard of herbivore

How can you tell when a plant is scared?
It soils itself

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it
Itís true! I saw it with my own eyes.

Why was the cucumber mad?
Because it was in a pickle!

My wife told me I planted the wrong flowers...
oopsie daisy

What part of a plant has the most friends?
The Bud

I was really impressed by the gardener I saw the other day.
He was out standing in his field.

What kind of vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?
Squash

What did the George Michael say to the gardener?
Rake Me Up Before You Hoe Hoe.

Why did the cabbage win the race?
Because it was ahead!

What grows when fed but dies when watered?
Fire.

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