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Home / Garden Ideas /

The 50 Best Bad Gardening Jokes

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Looking for a good chuckle while you are out in the garden? Prepare to laugh and groan your way through our collection of the 50 best bad gardening jokes. Don't worry, they are not rude but we are not promising they are funny either. You have been warned!

  1. My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow
    It was sage advice.

  2. Did you hear about the gardener who went crazy?
    He was hearing voices in his shed

  3. I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone
    Then it dawned on me.

  4. So my neighbour sees me kneeling down, busy in my garden and asks what I'm doing
    "I'm putting alll my plants in alphabetical order"
    "Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"
    "It's right next to the sage"

  5. I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably
    I guess there is mushroom for improvement

  6. My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes nude in her garden...
    Personally, I'm on the fence

  7. I have a bird feeder in the garden
    It also works as a cat feeder

  8. How did the millionaire gardener get rich so quick?
    He was running a huge pansy scheme

  9. Why is Incredible Hulk such a good gardener?
    He's got green fingers.

  10. I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from gardens
    I was raking it in

  11. A friend perfected his garden flower beds through a process of trowel and error

  12. Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment
    The plot thickens...

  13. What is the gardener's favourite novel?
    War and Peas

  14. A friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water
    I think he meant well

  15. Why did the gardener quit?
    His celery wasn't high enough

  16. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
    Pumpkin pi

  17. A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

  18. What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
    A rash of good luck.

  19. What do you call it when worms take over the world?
    Global Worming

  20. I used to have a job making furniture out of plants
    I'll tell you, it was no bed of roses.

  21. Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a garden?
    Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!

  22. I'm making a belt decorated with herbs from my garden
    My friends tell me it's a waist of thyme

  23. I used to be terrified of gardening
    Then I grew a pear

  24. It turns out my front lawn is chicken proof
    It's impeccable

  25. What is brown and runs round the garden?
    A fence

  26. What do you call a homeless snail? A slug

  27. What do you call a tree from another planet? A extra-tree-restrial

  28. What do trees drink?
    Root Beer

  29. What do you call two rows of vegetables?
    A duel cabbage way

  30. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
    What's up, bud?!

  31. What do you call a cheerleading herb?
    An encourage mint!

  32. I think I saw Michael J. Fox at the garden centre yesterday. It might not have been him though, he had his back to the fuchsia

  33. I put an electric fence around my garden. My neighbour is dead against it

  34. Why couldn't the gardener plant any flowers?
    He hadn't botany!

  35. What do you call a nervous tree?
    A sweaty palm!

  36. What position does a baby plant serve in the army?
    Infant tree

  37. I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants
    But you've probably heard of herbivore

  38. How can you tell when a plant is scared?
    It soils itself

  39. I can cut down a tree just by looking at it
    It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.

  40. Why was the cucumber mad?
    Because it was in a pickle!

  41. My wife told me I planted the wrong flowers...
    oopsie daisy

  42. What part of a plant has the most friends?
    The Bud

  43. What game to herbs play at parties? Pass the parsley

  44. What is small, red and whispers? A horseradish

  45. Which vegetable is always shivering? A chilli

  46. I was really impressed by the gardener I saw the other day.
    He was out standing in his field.

  47. What kind of vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?

  48. What did the George Michael say to the gardener?
    Rake Me Up Before You Hoe Hoe.

  49. Why did the cabbage win the race?
    Because it was ahead!

  50. What grows when fed but dies when watered?

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